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		ANGER: YOU DON'T HAVE TO LOSE! (ESPECIALLY YOUR TEMPER) Gil Garcia, MSW, ACSW, CEAP This is an anger management worksheet. It is not intended to be psychotherapy or counseling. It is simply a brief introduction to learning about the emotion of anger. Please print out and follow directions. PART ONE: Start with your expectations for this worksheet. Not what is your problem, but what do you want to get out of this time. Please write down what you want from this worksheet Please keep your expectations realistic. After all, some anger problems begin with unrealistic expectations! Now, before you write, keep in mind that you will be asked to say out loud what you have written. Of course, you have a choice. You don't HAVE TO read aloud anything you don't want to. After all, some anger problems exist because we believe we HAVE TO do things and we don't have a choice. PART TWO: What is the problem? For example, do you lose your temper? Do you have a problem with others losing their temper? Do you keep your anger to yourself and then explode? Do you harbor resentments? Do you have a quick temper and get furious immediately? Do you get violent? Do you use sarcasm? Do you pout and sulk for more than an hour? Do you get angry over too many issues and too often? Now before you write, keep in mind that you may want to focus on others. After all, many anger problems exist because we have been taught that other people make us angry, drive us crazy, and drive us up the wall. How do you do this problem? Write down one or two typical ways that this works. For example, when I wake up in the morning I'm fine, but after about an hour with so and so, I start to slam the cupboard doors, mumble to myself, sigh a lot, make sarcastic remarks, and don't eat. Now, of course, you may not do any of these things. Okay, but how do YOU do your problem? PART THREE: Understanding your anger history Your anger history is a hidden key to understanding how your anger works. Since many anger problems are learned from others, please write down your own anger history. 1. What are your earliest memories of someone getting angry? (E.g. mom, dad) 2. What is your earliest memory of someone getting angry at home? Briefly tell the story. 3. What is your earliest memory of someone getting angry at school? 4. What is your earliest memory of anger with your best friend? 5. What is your earliest memory of violence? 6. ...of losing control of your anger? 7. How did your family express anger? 8. How did your family NOT express anger? 9. In your family (where you grew up) who was angry the most? How did he/she express anger? 10. How did you react to person? How did you feel? 11. In your teens (13-18 years) how did you handle your anger? Tantrums, sulk, hide, get depressed, runaway, drink, take drugs, get into trouble, etc. 12. In your adult life, perhaps after living away from your parent(s) how did you handle your anger? 13. How did you handle your anger away from your parent(s)? 14. What religious or moral beliefs, if any, do you have about anger? For example, I believe anger is sinful. 15. Have you ever suffered legal action because of your anger? For example, arrested for disorderly conduct, domestic violence, drunk driving. 16. Have you ever provoked someone to anger who then suffered legal action because of THEIR anger? 17. Have you been verbally abusive to others? 18. Have you been physically abusive to others? 19. Do you at times drink too much? 20. When you become angry, what physical changes do you notice? 21. What have others said to you about your anger? For example, complaints, observations, requests, etc. PART FOUR: Making a miracle happen The Miracle Question: Let's say you go to bed tonight and while you're sleeping a miracle happens. But you don't know it happened. So when you wake up, you have no clue about a miracle. But you notice YOU are different. And others notice you are different. What would be different? 1. What would be different about you? 2. How would you look? What would you say? What would you be doing that is different? How would you feel? What would others notice about you? PART FIVE: Setting realistic goals, putting your miracle into action. Setting goals means: deciding on behavior you will change in the next 24-48 hours that you can observe, describe and measure. 1. 2. 3. 4. The Secret of Anger: WHO MAKES YOU MAD? Anger is controllable and sometimes without counseling. To get over being angry you must first get over the idea you have been taught all you life: Other people make me angry! LISTEN TO YOUR ANGER IT'S TRYING TO TEACH YOU SOMETHING • Anger is a consequence of beliefs and thoughts • Anger is a physical reaction that works with our bodies: ìflight, fright or fight response • Anger is an emotional experience that often protects and covers other emotions • Anger is a way to emotionally and psychologically connect with others, especially when intimacy is absent • Anger is a signal that tells us we have been violated • Anger tells us about unresolved resentments of the past • Anger is a signal that tells us our resources are being depleted What is your anger teaching you? Who makes you mad? You do! Your anger is telling you to think, feel and do something differently. There are 5-6 steps in getting mad. If you end the sequence with merely feeling angry and want to kill someone, you will stop at step five and not go to step six. The six steps are also condensed into only two: #1 I want my way and #2 Therefore, I must have it. STEP ONE: I want something. Very often people want others to be different, changed, new and improved. When this doesn't happen, which is usually the case, the wanting usually doesn't stop. STEP TWO: I didn't get what I wanted and am frustrated. Wise people know life cannot give them all they want, so they are content with all they can gain through hard work or undeserved blessing. People accept philosophically what they cannot get even after striving for it. They are frustrated but not angry. They wanted something. They did not get it. For example, he or she doesn't stop doing what I wanted them to. STEP THREE: It is awful and terrible not to get what I want. If you define your frustration as a catastrophe, you are doomed. If you believe certain ideas, you can get easily depressed at this point. Depressed moods are often caused by believing certain beliefs: self-blame, self-pity and pitying others. You can also become fearful. Anxious moods are often caused by believing certain beliefs: people and events can upset you, think constantly about things that might prove to be difficult or dangerous. Finally, you can become enraged, hateful, spiteful, and revengeful. Rage moods are often caused by believing certain beliefs: I must have my way and it is awful not to get everything I want, and you are wicked for frustrating me and deserved to be punished. STEP FOUR: You shouldn't frustrate me! I must have my way! Now you are changing your wishes and wants into demands and that's bad. If you get what you demand, everything will be wonderful. But then you are not living in a realistic world. If you do not get what you think you need, you will think you are being so deprived that the world will end. Then you will tantrum even more. Unfairness is very common. STEP FIVE: You're bad for frustrating me. This is a very dangerous step. You may have completely evaluated a person's character based on your frustrations. You are concluding that a person's worth is determined by your disappointment and hurt feelings. NOTES: Suggested Reading: • The Anger Control Workbook, Matthew McKay, Ph.D. & Peter Rogers, Ph.D. • The Angry Book, Theodore I. Rubin, M.D. • The Dance of Anger: A Womanís Guide, Harriet Goldhor Lerner, Ph.D. • Angry all the time: an emergency Guide to Anger Control, Ron Potter-Efron, MSW • Good ën Angry: How to handle your anger positively, Les Carter • Of Course You're Angry, Gayle Rosellini and Mark Worden • The 10 Dumbest Mistakes Smart People make and How to Avoid Them, Dr. Arthur Freeman and Rose DeWolf