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	Communicating With Your Teenager source: CONCERNED associates A time for challenges ...Adolescence can be a challenging time for both parent and teenager. Through trial and error, our sons and daughters seek their independence. They are learning how to let go of childhood. As adults, we are learning to allow them to do that. Mutual trust, respect for personal privacy and open, honest communication can make the passage from adolescence to adulthood more manageable. Difficult choices made easier. • When to take a stand, when to argue, when to be quiet and listen and when to let go are difficult choices for parents and those who care for teens. Here's an approach to consider: • An attitude of specific and clearly stated expectations. Take charge of yourself. Attempt to agree on reasonable rules for your relationship. • An ability to let go when the situation is not harmful. Experience can be the best teacher. Allow your teen to fail. • Positive reinforcement whenever possible. Teens, in trying to prove themselves, need all the support they can get. • A stable point of reference. Consistent, fair treatment and logical and natural consequences provide the best framework for getting along. • Recognition of your own limits. Alcohol or other drug abuse, or other self-destructive behavior, can be beyond your ability to help. Seek professional help as soon as you need it. Keep in mind that a lot of teenage behavior is meant to provoke a response. This means adults need to pay attention and respond, but not over react. Take time to listen to what your teen is trying to become. Avoid trying to force him/her into the person you want. Keep the door open. Even though your teenager is busy breaking away from the family in order to establish their own independence, some structured time for activities will keep the door open for communication to happen. Too often the only communication is about chores or what the teen hasn't done for the family. Special family times, including doing chores together, can offer a natural opportunity for conversation. Checking in without prying, teasing, blaming or shaming, lets a teenager know you're interested. You can listen and empathize when he or she approaches you. You can sincerely praise whenever warranted and possible. Teens are typically secretive and independent and when you offer them your respect and trust, you're saying you are willing to help them grow into healthy adulthood. What teens want to tell you... Teenagers worry about a lot of things, just like adults do. Some of the things that cause them concern include: Normal Body Changes. You can reassure them they are normal and avoid teasing or jokes about their body, voices, etc. Alcohol. Be a good role model. Talk about drinking and driving, and responsible adult drinking and the advantages of abstinence. Avoid long lectures. Perhaps you can get information from SADD or MADD. Drugs. Get as much information as you can for yourself. If you suspect drug use, offer support for wise choices, as well as, disapproval for unwise ones. Educate yourself about the effects of drugs. Social Status. If your teen is shy or insecure, perhaps you can encourage them to join a club or other activity group where making friends is easier because of a shared interest. Sometimes only one or two friends are enough. Romance. Teen love is serious. Breakups can be devastating. Your understanding, as well as, just listening without offering advice or commands, can help diffuse anger and depression. Sex. Plenty of love at home can make it less urgent to find love through sexual encounters. You can talk about how fear of pregnancy or disease can change relationships. Both of you may be embarrassed at first, if you're too direct. Related issues, however, can open the door to make specific discussion. Lack of communication with family. Hard to believe sometimes, isn't it? Birth Control. Teenagers are often misinformed about the consequences of sex. If birth control is hard for you to talk about, you can say so and provide your son or daughter with pamphlets or books. However, the fact that you are uncomfortable with sex, may be an issue you may wish to resolve. Trouble. A single run-in with the law or other acting-out behavior can be a one time test of adolescent bravado. Overreacting to your teen can shut down communication. However, clear and consistent disapproval can work best to put an end to any unhealthy or illegal activity. Avoid arguing and follow through with consequences. Again, don't be afraid to teach out for professional help to manage your stress and relationships. Family. If your marital or adult relationships are hurting, your teenager cares. Most teens want their parent to be safe, happy and feeling good about themselves. Your teenager's problems may be directly related. Suggestion to Parents: Educate yourself about the job of parenting teens. The more you learn from reading books, articles, workshops and counselors, the more skills you have to this job. They need you and love you. Most parents and teenagers work their way through the adolescent years without professional help. When love and trust are the basis of your relationship, this passage time can become a lot easier. But sometimes a professional, objective counselor can help a great deal to listen to your fears and anxieties. SUGGESTED READING Assertive Discipline for Parents, by Lee Canter with Marlene Canter Before It's Too Late, by Stanton Samenow Children the Challenge, by Rudolph Dreikurs The Discipline Book, Wm. Sears The Five Love Language of Children, by Chapman & Campbell How to Love with Your Teenager, by Ross Campbell The New Dare to Discipline, by James Dobson Parenting Isn't for Cowards, by James Dobson Parenting Teenagers, by Dinkmeyer & McKay Parenting Teens With Love & Logic: Preparing Adolescents for Responsible Adulthood by Foster W. Cline, Jim Fay; http://www.loveandlogic.com/ The Parent's Handbook, by Dinkmeyer & McKay Positive Discipline, by Jane Nelsen Preparing For Adolescence, by James Dobson Winning Teenagers Over, by F. X. Walton