source: CONCERNED associates

Many people do not know how to respond to grieving parents. It is not that they do not care; they are just at a loss for words in the face of something so tragic.

And others, who seem to have plenty to say, may not realize how hurtful their words are to mothers and fathers reeling with grief, pain and depression.

The following is a list of suggestions culled from various websites to help friends and family members to be helpful and not hurtful during this difficult time.

1) Know that words cannot remove the pain.

2) Don't be afraid of tears, their or yours.

3) Don't say you know how they feel. No one does.

4) Don't minimize the death or attribute it to a higher power.

5) Listen. Listen. Listen.

6) Don't judge.

7) Don't just say, Call me if you need anything. Go there. Run errands. Cook and clean. Help with the care of any surviving siblings.

8) Give extra attention to the other children.

9) Use the deceased child's name, he or she was a real person!

10) Be patient even if they seem withdrawn or angry at first.

11) Keep encouraging a return to normal activities don't give up, but be timely and sensitive.

12) Realize there is NO such thing as an appropriate timetable for grief.

13) Be sensitive to the fact that they may not want to see/hold babies of the same age group as the child that they so desperately miss.

14) Don't suggest they just forget and be thankful for the children they still have or just try to get pregnant again.

15) Understanding that asking if they're better now, makes it seem as if their child's death was their own sickness or a disease.

16) Don't suggest that the grief of grandparents/aunts/uncles, etc is in any way comparable to the grief that they feel.

17) Encourage them to join support groups.

18) Send helpful bereavement information and materials made by organizations that help with child loss.

19) Realize they could be feeling very isolate or depressed and need to talk or get their feelings out in some way.

20) Remember: healing takes effort and time.