Some Good Reasons Why to See a Counselor:

"When I first came to counseling I had no hope of anything changing. Since he refused to come and we weren’t talking, I almost gave up. I guess it was a good idea to come alone anyway. I was able to see things differently. After a while he came to see (the counselor) too. And even though our hard times didn’t stop right away, we began to talk. I think it was the first time we really talk… ever. Things aren’t perfect, who is? But we are sharing and really listening for the first time our 13 year marriage." Most folks can resolve medium-size troubles on their own. Or with the help of positive and optimistic friends, couples are able to put their relationships back together. However, you might feel overburdened by the serious problems in your relationship.

If you are going through persistent, threatening problems that have no end in sight, seek outside professional help. Some clergy are trained and suited to help couples with the strains of family life. But not all counselors or clergy are trained in relationship building or marriage and family counseling. So, it’s best to ask about their training and experience.

1. Someone in the family is being physically hurt or suffering such damage to self-esteem that he or she is seriously depressed or troubled. Depression or anxiety is often a warning signal that the marriage is not all it needs to be. Relationship building is often needed in treatment of emotional problems. 2. Alcohol, drug dependency or addictive behavior is part of the problem. It takes only one person in a family to bring about positive change. Change can come even if the drinker, drug user, gambler, food or sex addict continues in their behavior. 3. Marital problems have existed for a long time and seem to be getting worse. Neglect is the most common cause for divorce. Not talking about the relationship, hiding information and avoiding the difficulties is a sure way to end a relationship. I call it "slow death." 4. You have tried almost everything you know to help your relationship, and nothing has worked. "You can’t be your own brain surgeon and you can’t be your own marriage counselor," one husband shared as he successfully rebuilt his relationship. 5. Sexual difficulties such as premature ejaculation, impotence, lack of affection, emotional coldness, failure to achieve orgasms or painful intercourse have become a serious strain in your relationship. Sexual problems are too often expressed in quiet resentments or angry outbursts. Simply understanding the relationship and making positive remarks can help enormously. 6. You or your partner have serious emotional or personal problems that seem to be caused by marital difficulties, or are causing marital conflicts.

7. Your children are frequently caught in the middle of your arguments. 8. You (or your spouse/partner) have become distressed enough to think marriage counseling is needed. If your spouse thinks counseling is needed, he or she is right. Don’t argue. Cooperate as much as possible. 9. One of you has contacted an attorney for divorce action. It is not too late. Folks frequently stop the divorce action to consider reconciliation. There is a lot to lose through divorce. 10. One of you is having or has recently had an extra marital affair. Some marriages can survive affairs. It requires persistence and hard work, but it is very possible. 11. You appear locked in a power struggle or you have several differences that you’ve been unable to resolve through persistent effort. Staying stubborn can be unlearned if folks truly want a working relationship. Power plays are almost always destructive. 12. Either of you feels unable to forgive the other for some past transgression. But you need to talk about the anger, pain and hurts before forgiveness can ever grow. 13. Either of you is allowing outside activities to reduce family time to near zero, and this absence of commitment seriously distresses the other spouse. 14. Personal or marital tensions are increasing rapidly. You find yourself saying things like, "I’m at the end of my rope." Or "I can’t stand this anymore." Do You Need Help?

These reasons are only a few to consider in repairing a damaged relationship. Relationships are much like growing and active children. They require lots of attention, nurture, discipline, respect, skill, listening, affection, love, hugs, kisses and freedom with limits. Relationships are also like microscopes. They magnify the germs and organisms we do not want to see in ourselves. Our partner/spouse can often see things in us that we do not want to see, recognize or admit. At the same time, they are still there, no matter what we are able or want to see with the naked eye.

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